I am a very proud person in general, because I’m raised by a very proud and strong single mother, so I didn’t possibly knew any other way than this.
When my ex left the house after 19 years of marriage I didn’t get any economical support.
I had a 16 years old boy, 5 dogs and the quite big household to support myself. I didn’t have a job, or any savings at the time. I was making some fascinators, and flowers from the pieces of textile, some jewelry with beads, and silk straps. Struggling daily to sell them, for small amount of money at least for the basic household necessities. But it was never enough.
I tried to communicate with my ex, and ask him to support his son and me at least in the beginning, until I find a job. He said no of course. And he didn’t even hide the reason why.
He said to me: ”Since you decided to stop playing by my rules, I’m going to wait for the day when you will come to the point where you will not be able to pay the bills anymore. And then, when authorities cut the water and electricity from the house, because of the debts, I’m going to come and to take my son away from you, because it is not going to be proper environment for the child to live in.”
At the same time he was giving some money to our teenage son, but he made him promise to keep it as a secret from me. I found about it, many moths later, but in this case I can not blame my son for this. He was young boy at the time, and he was totally brainwashed by his father.
When my ex asked for the first time to take our son for the weekend, everybody said to me, don’t let the boy go. All my friends and family members were telling me, he will do anything to take the boy away from you. But I couldn’t do such a thing.
My son was not a little child anymore. He was almost a young man. I was thinking at the time, that this was a positive thing that his father wanted to spend some quality time with him. I was sure this was the best thing regarding the child psychology after his parents were separated, and it will only help the child to have healthy life and be happy. And this was my biggest goal at the moment, to make this transition less painful for my son. Robert Frost an American poet said in one of his poems: ”You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.” Regarding this Frost’s words the father is always a Republican towards his son, and his mother’s always a Democrat.
It was so heartbreaking for me though to watch my son from the window walking to our garden entrance, entering his father car, smashing that car door behind him and leaving. And now when I think back, I remember that he actually never turned back and waved to me, even though he certainly knew I was watching after him.
I was always overwhelmed with a fear, and I was wondering if he is ever going to came back or he is going to stay with my ex. I think that only mothers who have been in a similar situation could really understand and feel what I was going through, while reading this words.
Thank God, my son was coming back every time, after the weekends he spent with his father and that was the big relief for me. But every time I felt that he was more and more distant from me. Now I can understand the reason why. It was probably because of the money support he was receiving from his father, that he had to hide from me. My ex was probably talking against me to our son, and he was playing the victim role all the time. I believe it wasn’t an easy situation for my son either to go through this at such a young age. Because the puberty is the age when someone’s character is actually shaping. This was the time when my son started to be rude to me for the first time. He was nervous and stressful all the time. I read a lot regarding this issue. I waned to help him, and make him happy, but I couldn’t. Probably my son also felt vulnerable, because the things that were going on in his life were out of his control. So his parents’ divorce was associated with increased stress and anger regarding his future.
He seemed very happy about his weekends with his father though. He was coming every time with bags full of presents his father had bought for him. Mostly very expensive outfits that young people love to wear, the things that I was not in a situation to give him. I was happy for him, but I felt so sorry for me. I tried so badly to find a job, but all doors were closed. I couldn’t see any light in the tunnel I was going through.
It was the time that I cried a lot. But I have never cried in front of my son though. By the time he was at school, I was crying, writing, painting, making jewelry and trying to sell it. Some days I managed to sell a few, but some other days nothing.
A few hours before the time my son was about to come back from the school, I was cleaning the house, preparing the meal, with what I got at the time. Later on I was decorating our dining table for the two of us with a lot of love and care, in order to make our simple meal look more fancy.
Then I was washing my face, putting some make up on it to cover my red eyes from crying and I was waiting for my son with a big smile on my face. Many people think of me as a weak person, because I cry very easy, and very often, but believe me, this was a very difficult thing to manage and do. Only one extremely strong person would be able to do what I did. It actually took me a lot of years to realize how strong I am.
We usually talked about how was his day at school, what are his plans for the rest of the day, etc. I was doing my best to maintain the best atmosphere at the table, by telling the stupid jokes, and remembering some of our funny moments together. But I also understood that he was trying to spend as less time with me as he possibly could.
Later on while my son was at his room, doing his homework, or playing on his PlayStation, I was searching all my coat pockets, and my old bags in order to find some forgotten change, so I can give it to my son some change for his snack at school, every day.
The funny thing is that he was gladly taking this money from me, even though he was completely aware of our difficult financial situation, probably because he was trying to hide from me the truth that he was receiving money from his dad regularly every week.
All of this made me make the most difficult and the most painful decision of my life. I knew I can not give to my son what he needed at the time, not even the basic anymore. All I was able to give him was my love, but people can not live from love unfortunately. People also need to eat in order to live.
This is how one cold December day, I let my son go to live with his father, since this was what he wanted to do. This hard decision literally broke my heart, and I lost my willingness to live. There was no other way. My hands were tied. I have never felt so empty and hopeless in my entire life. And this is how I lost my precious boy forever, even though I was not aware of this at the moment. Under his father command, and going through his puberty at the time, he turned into a totally different person from the one I raised with a lot of love and care.
The distance between us was getting bigger and bigger every day. Until we reached the point that we barely talked with each other anymore. Not because I stopped to communicate, but because he was constantly avoiding me. His character was shaping based on his own understanding of situation. From the one side he had a picture of one strong and proud mom, who never discussed her problems with him, so he assumed that I was totally OK, and from the other side he had a manipulative father, who was crying in front of him, telling him how much he loved me and missed me, how he wanted to kill himself, how I was the cruel one, and that I made him live the house, and that I was the reason our family was destroyed.
My ex and my son lived in the capital city that was located 150 km from the place I lived. I did not have money for the bus tickets to go often and visit him. The only thing I could do was to beg my friends and family members to take me with them in their car if they were visiting the capital city. Sometimes I was managing to find the free transfer and to make an appointment with my son in some cafeteria near the place he lived, because I was not allowed to visit my ex’s new apartment. I didn’t even had the address. During the time I was spending with my son, his phone was ringing all the time. His father was from the other side, always having something important to share with him. One time we just sat at the table, and before even our drinks arrived, his father called him to come back to the apartment, because he had a great surprise for him. Soon the photo of a little dog arrived on his WhatsApp. My son was so thrilled, with the surprise, he immediately told me that he is sorry, but he has to go home and see his new doggy. But I kept trying to maintain our relationship. I was going again and again.
Unfortunately a lot of times my son did not showed up on our appointed place, and he was not even answering his phone and messages that I was sending to him. I was so worried that something happen to him. I couldn’t sleep for days after because of the great amount of stress I was going through. Later on my son’s excuse was that he forgot about our appointment because he was hanging out with his new friends. All of this was very painful for me. But I kept trying. Honore de Balzac once said: ”The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness”.
I believed then, and I still do, that my son left me because he wanted to give me the time and space to stand up on my feet, and that this was the act of love towards me. It was easier for me to feel that way, even though this is not the truth, probably. I wished he could be proud of me one day. Therefore I decided to turn the page and to make some big changes in my life.
Today after so many years, even my ex passed away, last year, my son still refuses to have any contact with me. But as I say many times in many of my blog posts, I will never give up.
I still keep trying. He keeps refusing me. At least, he inherited one part of my character, he is quite stubborn, and he never gives up.
I picked up my pieces, and I moved on with my life. I managed a lot for only few years, but whatever I managed I can never be completely happy. How could I when the part of me is missing? How could I when I am not able to share my happiness with the one I love the most?
I never believed I would have the strength, to share my truth this way one day. The reason I did it is since I already have so many followers, who follow my posts through the WordPress and a lot of others that follow me by e-mail, I decided that this was a right thing to do, so my readers can get to know me better and to find out about who am I as a person and why I named my blog the way I did.
The second reason is that maybe there is another mom, who is going trough the same or similar struggles as myself. It is a blessing to being able to help and support others or to get the help and support from others that are going through similar struggles. At least nowadays we are able to do this thanks to the blogs and social media.
I maybe learned to love, accept and embrace myself in a hard way but one is sure, it is always good to put your thoughts and feelings on the piece of paper, or to type them. Then the next step is to read your thoughts loud. Then read it and read it again and again until you are able to read it with out crying at all. It is a best exercise in order to reach your self awareness, your self recognition and acceptance of your situation. It’s the best way to be honest with yourself, to connect with your true feelings and to listen what they are telling you.
Please feel free to comment and share my post. I would really appreciate to know if my post touched you emotionally, because it came right out of my heart.