A very interesting book came into my hands few months ago. The name of the book is ,,The gift of fear” by Gavin de Becker. This book teaches us how to recognize our instincts and survival signals that could protect us from different kinds of violence. I think that every woman should read this book and it is by far the best book regarding violence and how to handle it, it is an avalanche of lifesaving advises and suggestions through the real life examples. I can recommend this book to everyone. Here is my affiliate link on Amazon.de, from where you can order this amazing book..
It costs less than €15, but the lesson regarding the human behavior and the survival skills that you will learn from this book are priceless. Don’t be discouraged by different book cover. The book that I have (with red cover) is old, and the book from the link is the exactly the same one, but in the newest edition.
I keep reading this book again and again and each time it seems more interesting to me. It is a A modern-day survival manual for everyone as Robert Ressler an FBI behavioral scientist and author said in his review of this book:
”A modern-day survival manual for everyone in our society, uniquely and firmly founded on Gavin de Baker’s extensive experiences, and on his own life. This book contains wisdom that transcends traditional approaches to violence.”
In this book there is a whole chapter regarding stalkers. This chapter was especially interesting to me because I have been stalked by my ex partner for years. I am so sorry that that book did not came into my hands earlier, because I made so many mistakes and a lot of wrong actions and decisions regarding my situation. Mostly I ignored the stalking, and many times I even felt challenged to answer his e-mails in order to make him stop, but this was a useless act because he wasn’t a reasonable person and this was my biggest mistake.
Regarding the book I mentioned earlier in this blog post I will mostly give attention on the facts from chapter 11 that is called, ”I was trying to let him down easy”. That chapter teaches us that there is no easy way when it come to stalkers.
People stalk other people for different reasons. There are many categories of stalkers, it can be unwanted pursuing from a stranger or it can happen from someone that victim knows and it is usually an ex and rejected partner.
Rejected stalkers are the most common and dangerous type of stalkers. They pursue the victim, often a former intimate partner, after a relationship ends. They are most likely to become violent. Rejected stalkers need intensive probation or parole supervision.
Gavin de Becker said in his book: ,,Persistence only prove persistence, does not prove love. The fact that romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean that you are special, it means he or she is troubled.” So don’t get flattered by the fact that someone is stalking you.
Most people don’t understand that if you tell to someone 10 times that you don’t want to talk with him and tell over and over again, that you are actually talking with him (or her anyway), so there is no consistency regarding your decision.
When you make the decision to end a relationship with someone, there is no place for negotiation, it should be said just one time, explicitly. So I will repeat again, if you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk with him (or her) and nine times again, it proves that you wanted to maintain this conversation, so do not blame anyone but yourself because the stalker continues with stalking.
If you want out of relationship, you should never say ”I don’t want to be in relationship right now” in order to not hurt somebody feelings, the thing your pursuer heard is just ,,..right now”. To him (or her) that means that you might want a relationship later. So you should always be clear and tell to the person simply: ” I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.” End of the story.
Never feel obligated to explain the intimate aspects of your life, your plans and romantic choices to someone you don’t want a relationship with.
The rejected pursuers may escalate their behavior to include such things as persistent phone calls and messages, showing up uninvited, trying to enlist your friends and family in his campaign. If any of this happen to you it is important that no further detectable response will be given to your pursuer.
Your every response they see as a progress. Do not encourage them. Stalkers are by definition people who don’t give up easily, they are people who don’t let go at the point that most of us would. We are talking about troubled people here.
Usually the rejected – ex partner stalker wants to persuade you to go back or punish you for ending the relationship – often a mixture of both. They use this behavior to keep some sort of contact with you alive. Any contact with you, even if you are fed up or cross, can give the satisfaction to your stalker.
You have to make it absolutely clear to them that the relationship has ended. Say it once, make it clear. Do not be hassled into saying it again. Do not be harassed into discussing the reasons.
A reasonable person who hears a clear message understands it. The test of stalking is based upon what a ‘reasonable person’ would understand. Do not try to let a rejected ex-partner stalker down gently, you do not need to be harsh or cruel, just firm. If necessary practice the words ‘I do not want to be in a relationship with you’. (Obviously this is not easy, especially if you have to continue contact because of children… but this is a discussion that deserves an article itself, I will not discus it this time.)
Do not return phone calls or messages to a rejected ex-partner stalker. Make a note of the time and date of every call, what was said. Save all text messages from a rejected ex-partner stalker. Write them down on tidy paper with the date, time and number from which they were sent. Do not rely on them being saved on your phone – you might lose it or have it taken from you. This is evidence. File it carefully away. And the most important do not agree to meet a rejected ex-partner stalker alone anywhere.
This subject is very emotional for me because as I previously mentioned I have been stalked by my ex-partner until the day he died, he never gave up on stalking me. My life was a living hell. The one thing I did to protect myself was to alert my family, friends and work colleagues, that they must not tell the stalker or friends of the stalker anything about me. But some of them did it anyway. They liked to play his detectives, maybe for some exchange, who knows. Some of our common friends were even allowing him to log in with their profiles on social media, so he can be able to look at my posts even though I blocked him everywhere. Later on when I noticed this I started to be very cautious with what I shared on the internet.
Be aware that rejected ex-partner stalkers can go on stalking you for a very long time once it becomes a pattern for him (or her). Rejected ex-partner stalkers are known to be more likely to use violence than any other type of stalker. Half of the ex-partners who make threats carry them out. Take it seriously.
Contact the police and get advice on security measures for your home. Take it seriously. You can also consider making contact with Domestic Abuse agencies for support and advice.
From my personal experience I can also advice you to consider the possibility of any tracking devices that might have been placed in or on anything, like your car, clothes, bags, or your home or cell phone. Change your passwords for everything you do online, have your computer checked for spyware, malware. And please stay safe.
Persons subjected to domestic violence or stalking can seek Protection Orders from designated Justices of the Peace quickly, simply and inexpensively, without notice to the respondent. Applicants have to provide evidence under oath about the stalking or domestic violence.
A Justice of the Peace who finds that stalking or domestic violence has occurred, that the person seeking relief reasonably believes it will continue or resume, and that the person requires protection because there is a reasonable likelihood that the domestic violence or stalking will continue or resume, may grant a Protection Order. These orders may contain as many of the following provisions as are necessary for the immediate or imminent protection of an applicant.